Update #3

Thursday; back to work. Rebecca and Doug both asked me how my day off was, and I said it was absolutely lovely, thanking them for asking. Next, Rebecca had me sit in the customary chair for cleaning and repairing books, and set me up with a huge stack of them. I bent my head and started working, rubbing at certain stains with a vengeance. I've discovered that cleaning books is just as important to me as keeping my own house clean always. Rebecca then asked me to repair some covers, taping them so that their dust jackets would last longer; books, i've learned, are always more valuable if they have dust jackets.

I was working on this for a while when Rebecca asked me if I would like to come with her to a book sale going on somewhere on the OSU campus. She wasn't so vague about it, but I can't quite remember where it was, except that it was a church book sale and down a small flight of concrete stairs. She told me we were always on the hunt for good science fiction books, anything by George Orwell, good scientific books, and occult books [which she doubted we'd find, this being a church sale and all]. She also mentioned that someone had been looking for an Elvis Presley biography, so if I found anything on him that would be wonderful. I looked around the small room, picking up books after careful examination and bringing them to Rebecca for the yes or no. My choices were rejected twice, but I did manage to find a book about all the nature places to visit in Ohio and a book by Priscilla Presley about Elvis, since there was no general biography of Elvis to be found, no matter how many times I ran my eyes over the shelf.

When we were done at the sale, Rebecca paid and we went back to the store with our finds, which she was really pleased with. I cleaned a few more books, repaired a few more dust jackets, and then I was on my way. Friday started the same way, with a stack of new books to clean and the materials waiting there on the little perch beside the chair. I did learn how to cut laminated dust jacket protectors, you could call them, and I did that for a while too. Then Mike came in and taught me how to clean the books with different textures, using the playdough like substance that i'd seen waiting around for quite a while. So, when the day was through I walked home to the uplifting tunes of Tilly and the Wall, with just a little skip in my step because the sun was shining so clearly.

I was sure it was supposed to rain today, but it appears to be getting sunnier. I love sunny days, but I also love rainy days where I can curl up with a book and be completely lazy. We'll see how today turns out. I'm just glad life is feeling a little more do-able.

Update #2

On Tuesday I woke up early, found my laptop and prepared myself to write. Really, I haven't had any chance to write for such a long time, that it was really nice to finally be able to sit down and let all my worries fade into the distance as I got wrapped up in someone else's story, forgetting everything that has happened over the past few weeks, and the new questions swarming in my head like an annoying hive of bees. Really, it seems that no matter where I go, or what I do, drama trails behind me. I don't ask for it, don't incite it, it's just always there- waiting. Well, it's certainly good for writing at least.

Last year, my junior year, I took a creative writing class at my school at St.Augustine High, and we were required to write the beginning of a novel. I found myself getting caught up in this story, and I wrote a little more each day. Tuesday, I brought out that story again and began to edit it, give it a new foundation, fill in the character's with more descriptions and thoughts. It's such an interesting thing, to go back and see your work, realizing its potential but also realizing how much better it could be with what you've learned as of late. My back was literally aching when the five hours was up, from being hunched over and typing the whole time, but there was a new feeling of satisfaction that I couldn't disagree with. Of course, the downside was that when I got home it became gloomy out. I was really upset about that for a little bit, and then of course I got into a stupid accident on my bicycle because two racing cyclists just had to unnecessarily take up both lanes. Oh, but I won't dwell on that I suppose. My hands are already healing quite fast.

Wednesday was such a lovely day. In winter, I always joke, I go into a sort of hibernation; I don't make an effort to socialize or talk to any of my friends, and when spring comes around they're always really surprised to hear from me. The last few weeks i've been calling and making plans, but Wednesday was really the most fun i've had in quite a while, and I got to see a lot of the people i've been missing so dearly. First, Garth came over and we sat and talked for a few hours about some of my concerns. Since our fight on Sunday, I wasn't sure what to think. It was nice just to see him again though, even if it did hurt a little bit still. After Garth left to go to class, I walked to Whetstone and met up with my dear friend Sketchy. We got icecream and hot dogs and complained about the heat and the endless stretch of road, then laughed at how fickle we were. As we were finishing up our icecream concoctions, my friend Kyle came over and we all hung out, and when Sketchy's dad picked her up, Kyle gave me a helmet and a ride on his new motorcycle. Then, as I was walking the dog later on, smiling to myself happily, a car pulled over and demanded that I get in. Squealing, I jumped in, with the dog. It was Mary, Clare, and Xander (Xander I didn't know, but he knew my sister, so that was nice). I haven't been able to hang out with Mary or Clare in ages, because they're always busy with theater at Watterson, but this gave us the opportunity to catch up and have fun. Sam called me; I didn't answer because I was singing along with Mary and dancing with Clare in the grass, feeling just like the little girl I used to be. Julie came over later, and my day was finally complete, and I collapsed into bed exhausted and happy.

Update #1

On Monday I began my internship at Areopagitica.
Rebecca was very sweet and helpful, and she led me around the store again, telling me about the different sections and asking if I might have any questions. She's really such a sweet woman. That first day I was introduced to cleaning books, and I sat back in the chair, cleaning the books patiently and smiling to myself as a million thoughts ran through my head, as they always do. I was still quite angry at my parent's for never coming to get me for school, nor informing me that they would not be coming to get me so I'd know I would have to walk. I was upset, because I was sure everyone at Graham would think I was a complete flake.

Alas, alas.
Rebecca asked me how I was feeling, and I said I was actually feeling much better and I thanked her for asking, since most people wouldn't have remembered or bothered. It's nice to know that some people in the world still care. The day went by very quickly, as I sat and cleaned book after book, and Rebecca told me about how its very important to address every customer who comes in the store with a smile. I am generally pretty used to this, having been a hostess at two well known restaurants in St.Augustine, and then I worked at Mad4Mod for a short time as well, where that was equally important. When Doug came in, the two of them holding hands lovingly, I got up and shook his hand. We then all sat down and began to discuss my schedule; when would I have my five hours of writing?

They provided the option of splitting it up throughout the week, or just writing for five hours on Tuesday. I decided that Tuesday would be ideal, and after confirming that it was alright, we decided that that would be the best idea. At five on the dot I got up and gathered my stuff, thanking them for a great first day. It really was such a nice way to start the internship, and I admit, it is so very lovely being around all those books and such nice people. I can't quite say that I know where all the sections are yet, but I did get a chance to try and learn all of them by running over the shelves with a dust rag. I really do find books fascinating, and I wanted to pick up every other book from the shelf and flip through it, but, thankfully, I managed to restrain myself.

I haven't done so well, eh

Not at all, it would seem. The truth is, for a long time i've been trying so hard to keep my life in balance, but somewhere along the way something happened and the whole thing just fell off kilter. I don't know why or how, but it did, and now here I am trying desperately to regain the balance I lost. Maybe it was around Christmas break that things began spiralling out of control. Maybe it was seeing my first love again, and crying to myself on the plane when I left after I realized that he was not that sweet, thoughtful boy anymore. His gold eyes were hard and strange, and that left me feeling empty and hurt.

Maybe it was coming back to my best friend Julie, the both of us ready to go out, to party, to have fun and be teenagers... and watching as slowly, day by day, bit by bit, her life, her vitality, started dimming as a cloud of depression overtook her. Even as I screamed inside I couldn't make myself call my other friends, arrange to hang out, and I found myself repeating an age old pattern of breaking plans and losing friends over and over again.

Then there was me, locking myself in my room and crying over old letters from old friends, reveling in the heartbreak, thinking about what could have been and all that I gave up. I clung to Julie and she clung to me and we sank deeper with the help of eachother. I gained weight over winter and I hated myself, told myself I couldn't be a model anymore, all my dreams were finally going up in smoke. The Adderall my doctor prescribed so many times to help me focus, concentrate and act on its motivation, numbed me so completely that I felt like I was suffocating in it. Of course, my family couldn't afford to send me to a psychiatrist, what with Alexia hurting her knee again and the fact that our other house just was not selling. I didn't mind, I didn't want any more medication, and so I kept sinking.

I think Spring Break helped me a little bit. The visit to Florida where I spent hours just thinking about life and the future were soothing as long as I didn't have to think too hard about it. I visited my old friends and we cried over a sad letter between two of our friends, ending things in heartbreak, and I found that I could still connect with other people when me and my friend sat on the balcony, talking softly about love and life, the smoke blowing our faces from the chilly ocean breeze. When I got back I faced Julie and told her we had to stop being so sad... so depressed and hurt. It worked, for a few days at least. But I fell into the same pattern and school and everything was almost too hard to take. Then my friend tried to commit suicide.

Life has not been easy, but I've been trying to make the best of it, trying to figure out where my past, present and future will all align. I think that this new walkabout, and the sun shining outside my window, are two very good signs.