c: HAPPINESS

I like to know things about people.
What their favorite color is, their most memorable moment,
why they keep a certain item for good luck,
or if, like me, pine apples sting their tongues but taste so good.
I like to be lazy sometimes,
so I curl up in an arm chair and drink some cinnamon tea with a book, the rain coming down,
or lay back in the sand with the sun beathing through my eyelids.
Music is like air for me.
Writing is everything, and more.
Friends are the world... period.
I always look for where the rainbow ends
because maybe there's something waiting for me on the other side.

I wonder who I will know in years to come. I mean, who will be at my wedding? Who's going to be around to babysit the kids if I want some alone time? Will Julie and I really go across country as the icecream ladies and future old lady rockstars we always promised we'd be? Will Sketchy and I get a villa in Italy and be famous super models, lounging around all day in the sun when we aren't shooting for some famous magazing, like Vogue. We've already made an arrangement; she will do the dishes, I will clean the house, and we will both do the laundry. It works out well, since I hate doing the dishes.

Meeting people is spectacular. Someone I met at Mad4Mod a few months back gave me his number and his card, telling me to call him if I did make it to NY. I contacted him, and he emailed me about a great offer. It's for a resort wear company, and he said she's a friend of the family's and she specifically asked for someone who was a "natural blonde with great legs"...and thus, I was contacted. All I have to say is, thank GOD I have been going to the gym at least 6 times a week for two months straight. We'll see what happens, if she's interested, which I hope she is. But it's the beauty of an almost stranger helping me succeed that made me smile. Why can't more people be like that?

Who Am I?

I was pondering this the other day. The sun was shining and my toes curled in the delight of its warmth on my face. The wind was blowing my hair away from my eyes, which sought out the squirrel who was just then climbing the tree i'd grown up with. If there had been time, I would have followed. There are many memories in that tree; hide and seek, tears of joy and tears of sadness, hiding from my mother after a particularly bad fight, escaping from life to talk to the sky, hoping it would listen... I wondered if this tree would mean something like that to the future owners of the house, or if it already had.

Today, though, was no time for escaping. It was a time for facing. Facing that particularly hard question: who am I? I am obviously not the little girl with skinned knees, pink cheeks and tangles in her hair, whose voice hushed the cabin of girls at camp to listen to stories, and who fell into tears for being picked on so much. I am not the angst ridden teen who wore black, black and more black to hide herself away, who let herself be chastised and ridiculed, all the while sinking deeper into herself and shutting everyone else out. I am not the selfish, immature girl I finally grew out of, who thrived off the sudden attention from boys and girls alike, and then became obsessed by it. No, i'm not any of these. But then, who am I? [Besides the girl with the huge smile and sparkly pants, that is... c: ]

I am Elisabeth Marie Heffernan, daughter of Helen Elisabeth Dunleavy and John Cullen Heffernan. I am Julie McElwain's best friend, and am engaged in a constant love/hate/mostly love battle with my younger sister Alexia. I am the wistful girl who you can find staring at the sky, and you might wonder 'what is she thinking about that makes her look so sad?' But I am also the girl who will speed walk down High St., her legs pounding and her hips swinging in time to the music. I listen sympathetically when you are crying, and make funny faces at girls who are giving you the evil eye. Sometimes, I am crazy, and I will feel close to breaking, my whole body and soul trembling with the sudden swing of darkness. Then other times, you will see me out of the corner of your eye, and I will be stifling a giggle because I've thought of something funny but I'm half concerned/half not, that people will see me laughing all by myself and think i'm a little crazy.

I believe in the impossible, and question science instead of stories.

I am open minded and always armed with a smile, just in case I need it.

I am shy, but I will also go up to someone on the edge of the dance floor, who's looking uncomfortable and nerdy and alone, and ask him to dance.

So, while that doesn't totally answer the question, I think it answers some.
















[Gary is my artist friend in St.Augustine. He's the one on the trash can. I made friends with a lot of the 'bums'. Some of them are actually pretty insightful, ya.]

So...

This week started out okay and ended okay. Nothing extraordinary in between. Go figure, right? Areopagitica was pretty good. They set me up with some new tasks. Book covers, which, by the way, I despise, and two window displays. That's right, a window display.

That's somewhat reminiscent of the Mad4Mod days. Anyway, in the right hand display you will see pink and red letters, all hand cut and sketched. They spell "Imagination doesn't cost by the gallon!". It's meant to show off the new books on travel we replaced the whale books with. I actually want to read a few of them. Travel's always been crucial to me in my plans for the future. I just can't imagine being "grown" without having seen India, Ireland, Hawaii, Africa, Italy...

I really do work hard, I just want that to be known, in case it was ever doubted because of my complete lack of enthusiasm. Just because I don't want to do something [work wise, at least] it doesn't mean i'm not going to do it. I put all my effort into it, and I am speedy and helpful. I'm not being arrogant or preaching my skills. Many people have commented on this, including Rebecca and Doug. I do get satisfaction from the fact that they noticed. It's nice to be appreciated.

5/16 late post

I've been reflecting lately on the general nature of humans. We're such a fickle race, aren't we? Sometimes, thinking about it, I remember a quote from one of my favorite books. "...Perfection doesn't understand why we hate ourselves so much, and yet refuse to change. She honors our flaws [J.Ruth Gendler, The Book of Qualities]..." Isn't that so true? How often do we comment about our appearance, job, house arrangement, friends, relationships, etc. Everyday sounds about right, right?

Well, I realize that most of the time, we complain and moan and go on about our evil boss or the cellulite on our thighs, and then we sit around and nod complacently when this boss is being an unnecessary jerk, or lounge on our couches eating Cheetohs and cookie dough, pausing briefly to consider using that gym membership you're forking $40 a month for, but then decide that it's probably packed, and anyway, this is couch is just no nice...

I used to be one of those people, so I know all about it. I was the girl who sat around crying about her thighs and the slight pudge on her stomach where, according to the magazines, a six pack should be. Then, i'd proceed to sit and eat about 4,000 calories with a good friend and laze on the couch, discussing how angry we were at our boyfriends/parents/bosses. It was only when I went to the gym and realized, wow, crap, i'm of shape and I have a horrible diet and i'm always depressed and have a hard time sleeping. Maybe there's something wrong with the way i'm living? Now, I walk to and from the gym, burn calories with resistant training, do weights, and, of course, go home to a well balanced [vegan] meal. I've gotta say, I feel better than I ever have.

So is it any wonder I have a problem with people who shove their faces with McDonalds and then glare at me, saying something like "God, you're so thin, i'd KILL to be that thin [*shoves handful of fries in mouth*]." Well, I want to say, you don't have to kill. Just change your diet and start working out.

Speak up!

This society needs a good, healthy dose of truth.

5/14 late post

Alright, so the truth is out. I adore Rebecca and Doug, but the bookstore itself is HIDEOUSLY BORING. It's okay, I try to make the best of it. Although it would appear that they are noting my lack of interest. Really, how interested can a person be in cleaning stacks upon stacks of books each and every day, with half hearted attempts at conversation and returned weak laughter. I feel awful that I can't immerse myself in it, can't enjoy it the way I'm sure they do. It's caused me a lot of guilt. It's not them that I dislike, not even the store itself, just the mindless, monotonous tasks.

Sometimes I think that for Walkabout, someone should just say- my walkabout is LIFE. That would be amazing. I mean, how often do we honestly live life as we should? I don't think many people can say they live each day to its full potential. I know I don't. Especially not lately. Although this new healthy lifestyle is absolutely fantastic. Who knew being in shape and eating right could feel so good?

If I could do whatever I wanted, I wonder what i'd do. Maybe i'd stay up all through the night, awe struck by the moon. I'd be hit by a sudden intensely creative urge and write pages upon pages in what was once just a blank notebook without a story. Perhaps i'd get up at dawn and climb the tree in my backyard to the very top to watch the sun rise. I could go on the streets and observe people, write sketches about them, wonder what their life was. I can picture myself going up to a homeless man, quietly offering him a sandwich, and then asking him how exactly he ended up here. There's a chance that said man [although I won't discriminate; not all homeless people are men, obviously, this is just an example] would throw his sandwich back at me and call me a number of ludicrous names... but there's also a chance that he would open up and tell me the story that no one else thought to ask.

Now, isn't that a learning experience?
I guess it depends on what you think you should be taught.

5/13 late post

So, i've been getting a lot of, ahem, crap lately from people who are angry they haven't been seeing me. I've been threatened with death even. It's really not that funny, come to think of it. Not that you're laughing; I didn't either. One of my old pen pals wouldn't speak to me after never receiving a letter back. We just barely made up today. Anyway, it just made me think about the importance of time. It really is such a crazy concept.

I mean, who really even invented time? Who thought it up? I know the calender system, the Mayams, the concepts about the druids. I know that the earth rotates around the sun, and I know the whole night and day shebang. But who stressed such importance on hours, minutes, even seconds. There are even advertisements for a website that will tell you "How Many Minutes You Have Before You Die". Such an eerie thing, I thought.

You have six months to live, the doctor says to some patient, who is now stricken with the realization of just how important every moment really is. Each sunset brings a wave of terror: did I do something meaningful? What did I accomplish today? Did I make it count? We're all plagued with these thoughts, these worries, these fears, even. We rush to make our appointments, count down the days until summer, wonder what lies beyond the vast experience of college.

I'm tired of wasting time.
It's time to start living.

Life, love, and books

I've been working really hard lately. Ironically, I work at Texas Road House, ha ha! It's the only place I had an instant contact in, and no where else I passed my application along to called back. Therefore here I am, utilizing my skills as a hostess. Not only am I hostessing and interning, I also have personal training twice every week, and when i'm not there i'm at the gym myself. I've developed a love for the workout high. It's a good and rewarding feeling.

I've been reading a lot of silly 'single and sassy in the city' girl novels lately. Besides the useful fashion advice and a few good laughs, there's not much to it. So naturally I sail through them within a day or two, depending on how soon the sleeping pills knock me out. Oh yes, another recent thing- the doctor finally prescribed me some sleeping pills. For the past few months it's been a struggle to fight my way to sleep, and most likely ended up with me waking with a start a few hours before dawn, and thus the struggle continued again... So, the sleeping pills were a promising thing. I hope they continue to do their job, although twice i've woken up immediately, remembering that these are not time release.

Did you know, most people have a problem with chemical addiction? It's from a chemical your brain releases when you have strong feelings of love, whether for your friends, family, or 'other'. This chemical is called oxytocin. In an article I read, I was stunned to read the following "...so the brains of people deeply in love do not look like those of people experiencing strong emotions, but instead like those of people snorting coke. Love, in other words, uses the neural mechanisms that are activated during the process of addiction. “We are literally addicted to love,” Dr Young observes. [pg.3] " Man, does that explain a lot. Apparently, when love fails, or is rejected, the chemical reverses itself, and the resulting depression is sometimes accompanied with symptoms like fainting, dizziness, head aches, difficulty breathing, etc. This isn't a comforting thought. Last night, I talked to my first love, and when we hung up I started crying.
Cheers to this wonderful chemical;
the chemical addiction of love.


Article: Oxytocin, Chemical Addiction and the Science of Love.
http://www.oxytocin.org/oxytoc/love-science.html

...the continuing files.

Rebecca and Doug have been very nice about my crazy schedule. My week is always so full with every thing I do that there's been little to no time for friends. Some of them, in particular, have been complaining about this. Well, I'm sorry that I want to stay inside and watch silly movies instead of go out and indulge. Hello, lifestyle change here? People still have a hard time getting that. So, it's up to me to prove to them that I can and will do this the right way.

Lately, i've been going on errands with Rebecca, helping them arrange shelves, replace books, dust books, etc. Just this past week Rebecca and I drove to the church sale and then on to Goodwill. There I found a few good children's books and an interesting one on the soviet union's involvement with WWII. When we got back, Mike, one of the people who comes in and helps them once or twice a week, was there with two dozen chocolate chip cookies. Talk about instant temptation. However, I gently refused, saying that I appreciated the offer. Later, as I walked home, I consoled myself with the fact that i'd be working out soon and if I got off soon enough I could get a vegan granola bar from whole world.

Now, I would like to defend myself saying that I did not become vegan simply to lose weight. No, it was far more than that. Unlike most of my peers, I have experience with this, since I was a strict vegetarian for six years, and only caved a year or so ago. Somehow, in that short amount of time, I had managed to forget all the sadness and horror that accompanied meat. As I read the horrifyingly graphic details the book provided, I began to cry. How could I have forgotten this? I wondered to myself. The book went on to say that humans were the only species who drank milk after they've grown from the premature state of using their mothers as a simultaneous comfort of love and food. Not only that, we used another's species milk to do this.

I read the whole book in one night, and it shattered every last notion I had. But, my family was surprised to see, I was happier than I'd ever been. This was because i'd decided on a course of action. Not only that, it was such a healthy option, and it was saving lives believe it or not. I proudly told everyone I knew that becoming a vegan I was sparing 90 cows a year. 90 innocent cows are going to have their lives spared because of one less demand for meat! How couldn't that make you feel good?

This past week...

Has been really exhausting. I feel like i've been saying that so much lately. Today is Mother's Day. My sister's being a real pain about going to Whole World, right now. This brings me to my new announcement: I have, since last Sunday, proclaimed myself an official vegan. No, not a vegetarian, a vegan. Of course, this new announcement brought a whole new round of opinions from everyone.

My parents, who are skeptical but supportive. My friends, who are extremely worried about this change, pressuring me to indulge in some sort of lean meat or eggs or milk. And my boyfriend, who's really upset about it. The first time I told him he said, "Baby, please, no." I tried to explain why, but he finally just sighed in defeat. People are full of opinions for how they think everyone should live their life. They never step back and acknowledge that maybe, just maybe, those people have it all well under control.

It all started with a book. How many times can history say that? Countless, i'm sure. In my case, it was a book from my mother and sister. A simple one they bought me to encourge me to lose weight the HEALTHY way, and not the drastic way. Not that they ever read the book themselves, save for a few skimmed pages. Therefore, when I came down the stairs with a white face, gripping the book in my hand like a lifeline, they were surprised to hear me say those three words : "I'm. A. Vegan."


To be continued...

lately...

I've been feeling so tired and stressed, things have been getting to me much more easily than they usually do. I feel like I'm going to break into pieces at any second. At least I have my friends. Now I just wish I had confirmation. Not the catholic kind, ha ha. I just mean, I wish I could confirm that my choices were the right ones. But I guess that's why it's life. We have to go through with our decisions no matter what the consequences.

I wonder why money has to be such a big deal. I know, it doesn't really have to be, but it is. Everyone needs money for the simplest things. Then there are the people who define everyone else by the money they have. Or their titles, or their ancestry. I just hate it. If only everyone could live in a peaceful place, where money wasn't an object of such fascination and controversy. To think, it's really only a meaningless slip of paper...

Rebecca had me doing some new things. I walked into work one day and she cringed, saying I looked quite awful. I laughed, but I know I did. Exhaustion does that to a person. With her help we managed to clean off the children's book case, which had gotten dirty due to a leaking tile in the ceiling, or something like that. We also took off a lot of books that hadn't sold and were older, laying out a table for a sale. They bought me a salad, which was sweet, and I chewed my green leaves contemplatively in silence.

Wednesday, Thursday...

On Wednesday I went to school, and then to Areopagitica. Thankfully I didn't have to walk, because my dear dad picked me up and dropped me off. Once again, there were books to clean, covers to repair. I find that it gives me time to reflect, which is a good thing since there's rarely time to do that anymore. Sometimes these thoughts make me sad, because I can stumble on things I can't change, like how my best friend hates herself. Other times I think about the future, and i'm both excited and afraid. We all have to leap sometime; I guess i'm just taking quite a big leap very soon.

I am very excited though, because the other night Julie and I were talking and she decided she wants to move to New York with me. I was ecstatic; I had been so heartbroken about having to leave my very best friend right when we'd become our closest. Since then, we've been planning when and how this will all happen. People are skeptical, but I just shrug them off and smile. I am not the kind of girl to go into things without a plan. I have contacted a shopper at Mad4Mod who lives in NY and told me to call him to hang out when I was in town; I have a friend living in Queens; my mom has a friend named Helen, who she has been talking to about my situation. I have been looking at the cheapest rent, browsing jobs, readying myself for the move.

Last night I couldn't sleep, so I told Rebecca that I was going to stay home and try to sleep a bit. But, I told her, i'd come in on Saturday to help around the store to make up for it. Unfortunately sleep has been hard to come by lately, and over the counter drugs don't touch me at all. I went into Mad4Mod, where I haven't been for a while, and Lara gave me a big hug and a huge smile right when I walked in. She updated me on the store gossip, telling me how they all missed my presence, and I filled her in on the new plans about NY. It was so nice seeing her again, she's just so full of fun and energy. I'm sitting here nodding off, so I think i'll try to take a nap, like my snoring father is doing on the couch opposite from me. Ta ta for now!

Monday, Tuesday...

Areopagitica continues to be alright, although it does tend to get a bit boring at times. Cleaning stacks of books and repairing covers all day long isn't exactly thrilling, but i'm not complaining. School's going better; I asked Roger for help and he sat with me and helped me with a lot of the questions I had. I truly appreciated it, and I understood it when he explained things to me in depth. I admit, I never have been a math whiz, but I am going to really try. That's the important thing: i'm trying. My parents are glad to see that I really, truly, am.

Rebecca and Doug are such nice people, and their friends are quite lovely too. Doug is currenly working on a book, collaborating with his photographer friend, on the Somalian refugees. I must say the conversations are fascinating. It's strange to listen in on refugee problems, things I really hadn't thought about before. They both really care about this. It's apparent from their recollections of heated discussions with ignorant others. Although they're too polite to call them that. Ah, sweet people. So many in this age have forgotten their manners entirely. It's sad to see.

I was going on an errand with Rebecca to a church book sale, and looking for a few particular books again. More books about Elvis, and children books. I found quite a few, smiling over the memories 'Nancy Drew' and 'The Babysitters Club' brought back to me. I was browsing the adult literature, just scanning idly, when I ran across one of my favorite authors. Very few people have heard of her, which seems like a waste to me. I wish I had had some money, because it was actually my favorite book of hers that they had. Elizabeth Goudge's 'Pilgrim's Inn', the book my mom made me read in 7th grade when I thought I was losing myself. That book gave me such a sense of peace, that whenever I was sad or sorry or in a deep depression, i'd pick it up again and feel comforted. It's good to find comfort like that.

Update #3

Thursday; back to work. Rebecca and Doug both asked me how my day off was, and I said it was absolutely lovely, thanking them for asking. Next, Rebecca had me sit in the customary chair for cleaning and repairing books, and set me up with a huge stack of them. I bent my head and started working, rubbing at certain stains with a vengeance. I've discovered that cleaning books is just as important to me as keeping my own house clean always. Rebecca then asked me to repair some covers, taping them so that their dust jackets would last longer; books, i've learned, are always more valuable if they have dust jackets.

I was working on this for a while when Rebecca asked me if I would like to come with her to a book sale going on somewhere on the OSU campus. She wasn't so vague about it, but I can't quite remember where it was, except that it was a church book sale and down a small flight of concrete stairs. She told me we were always on the hunt for good science fiction books, anything by George Orwell, good scientific books, and occult books [which she doubted we'd find, this being a church sale and all]. She also mentioned that someone had been looking for an Elvis Presley biography, so if I found anything on him that would be wonderful. I looked around the small room, picking up books after careful examination and bringing them to Rebecca for the yes or no. My choices were rejected twice, but I did manage to find a book about all the nature places to visit in Ohio and a book by Priscilla Presley about Elvis, since there was no general biography of Elvis to be found, no matter how many times I ran my eyes over the shelf.

When we were done at the sale, Rebecca paid and we went back to the store with our finds, which she was really pleased with. I cleaned a few more books, repaired a few more dust jackets, and then I was on my way. Friday started the same way, with a stack of new books to clean and the materials waiting there on the little perch beside the chair. I did learn how to cut laminated dust jacket protectors, you could call them, and I did that for a while too. Then Mike came in and taught me how to clean the books with different textures, using the playdough like substance that i'd seen waiting around for quite a while. So, when the day was through I walked home to the uplifting tunes of Tilly and the Wall, with just a little skip in my step because the sun was shining so clearly.

I was sure it was supposed to rain today, but it appears to be getting sunnier. I love sunny days, but I also love rainy days where I can curl up with a book and be completely lazy. We'll see how today turns out. I'm just glad life is feeling a little more do-able.

Update #2

On Tuesday I woke up early, found my laptop and prepared myself to write. Really, I haven't had any chance to write for such a long time, that it was really nice to finally be able to sit down and let all my worries fade into the distance as I got wrapped up in someone else's story, forgetting everything that has happened over the past few weeks, and the new questions swarming in my head like an annoying hive of bees. Really, it seems that no matter where I go, or what I do, drama trails behind me. I don't ask for it, don't incite it, it's just always there- waiting. Well, it's certainly good for writing at least.

Last year, my junior year, I took a creative writing class at my school at St.Augustine High, and we were required to write the beginning of a novel. I found myself getting caught up in this story, and I wrote a little more each day. Tuesday, I brought out that story again and began to edit it, give it a new foundation, fill in the character's with more descriptions and thoughts. It's such an interesting thing, to go back and see your work, realizing its potential but also realizing how much better it could be with what you've learned as of late. My back was literally aching when the five hours was up, from being hunched over and typing the whole time, but there was a new feeling of satisfaction that I couldn't disagree with. Of course, the downside was that when I got home it became gloomy out. I was really upset about that for a little bit, and then of course I got into a stupid accident on my bicycle because two racing cyclists just had to unnecessarily take up both lanes. Oh, but I won't dwell on that I suppose. My hands are already healing quite fast.

Wednesday was such a lovely day. In winter, I always joke, I go into a sort of hibernation; I don't make an effort to socialize or talk to any of my friends, and when spring comes around they're always really surprised to hear from me. The last few weeks i've been calling and making plans, but Wednesday was really the most fun i've had in quite a while, and I got to see a lot of the people i've been missing so dearly. First, Garth came over and we sat and talked for a few hours about some of my concerns. Since our fight on Sunday, I wasn't sure what to think. It was nice just to see him again though, even if it did hurt a little bit still. After Garth left to go to class, I walked to Whetstone and met up with my dear friend Sketchy. We got icecream and hot dogs and complained about the heat and the endless stretch of road, then laughed at how fickle we were. As we were finishing up our icecream concoctions, my friend Kyle came over and we all hung out, and when Sketchy's dad picked her up, Kyle gave me a helmet and a ride on his new motorcycle. Then, as I was walking the dog later on, smiling to myself happily, a car pulled over and demanded that I get in. Squealing, I jumped in, with the dog. It was Mary, Clare, and Xander (Xander I didn't know, but he knew my sister, so that was nice). I haven't been able to hang out with Mary or Clare in ages, because they're always busy with theater at Watterson, but this gave us the opportunity to catch up and have fun. Sam called me; I didn't answer because I was singing along with Mary and dancing with Clare in the grass, feeling just like the little girl I used to be. Julie came over later, and my day was finally complete, and I collapsed into bed exhausted and happy.

Update #1

On Monday I began my internship at Areopagitica.
Rebecca was very sweet and helpful, and she led me around the store again, telling me about the different sections and asking if I might have any questions. She's really such a sweet woman. That first day I was introduced to cleaning books, and I sat back in the chair, cleaning the books patiently and smiling to myself as a million thoughts ran through my head, as they always do. I was still quite angry at my parent's for never coming to get me for school, nor informing me that they would not be coming to get me so I'd know I would have to walk. I was upset, because I was sure everyone at Graham would think I was a complete flake.

Alas, alas.
Rebecca asked me how I was feeling, and I said I was actually feeling much better and I thanked her for asking, since most people wouldn't have remembered or bothered. It's nice to know that some people in the world still care. The day went by very quickly, as I sat and cleaned book after book, and Rebecca told me about how its very important to address every customer who comes in the store with a smile. I am generally pretty used to this, having been a hostess at two well known restaurants in St.Augustine, and then I worked at Mad4Mod for a short time as well, where that was equally important. When Doug came in, the two of them holding hands lovingly, I got up and shook his hand. We then all sat down and began to discuss my schedule; when would I have my five hours of writing?

They provided the option of splitting it up throughout the week, or just writing for five hours on Tuesday. I decided that Tuesday would be ideal, and after confirming that it was alright, we decided that that would be the best idea. At five on the dot I got up and gathered my stuff, thanking them for a great first day. It really was such a nice way to start the internship, and I admit, it is so very lovely being around all those books and such nice people. I can't quite say that I know where all the sections are yet, but I did get a chance to try and learn all of them by running over the shelves with a dust rag. I really do find books fascinating, and I wanted to pick up every other book from the shelf and flip through it, but, thankfully, I managed to restrain myself.

I haven't done so well, eh

Not at all, it would seem. The truth is, for a long time i've been trying so hard to keep my life in balance, but somewhere along the way something happened and the whole thing just fell off kilter. I don't know why or how, but it did, and now here I am trying desperately to regain the balance I lost. Maybe it was around Christmas break that things began spiralling out of control. Maybe it was seeing my first love again, and crying to myself on the plane when I left after I realized that he was not that sweet, thoughtful boy anymore. His gold eyes were hard and strange, and that left me feeling empty and hurt.

Maybe it was coming back to my best friend Julie, the both of us ready to go out, to party, to have fun and be teenagers... and watching as slowly, day by day, bit by bit, her life, her vitality, started dimming as a cloud of depression overtook her. Even as I screamed inside I couldn't make myself call my other friends, arrange to hang out, and I found myself repeating an age old pattern of breaking plans and losing friends over and over again.

Then there was me, locking myself in my room and crying over old letters from old friends, reveling in the heartbreak, thinking about what could have been and all that I gave up. I clung to Julie and she clung to me and we sank deeper with the help of eachother. I gained weight over winter and I hated myself, told myself I couldn't be a model anymore, all my dreams were finally going up in smoke. The Adderall my doctor prescribed so many times to help me focus, concentrate and act on its motivation, numbed me so completely that I felt like I was suffocating in it. Of course, my family couldn't afford to send me to a psychiatrist, what with Alexia hurting her knee again and the fact that our other house just was not selling. I didn't mind, I didn't want any more medication, and so I kept sinking.

I think Spring Break helped me a little bit. The visit to Florida where I spent hours just thinking about life and the future were soothing as long as I didn't have to think too hard about it. I visited my old friends and we cried over a sad letter between two of our friends, ending things in heartbreak, and I found that I could still connect with other people when me and my friend sat on the balcony, talking softly about love and life, the smoke blowing our faces from the chilly ocean breeze. When I got back I faced Julie and told her we had to stop being so sad... so depressed and hurt. It worked, for a few days at least. But I fell into the same pattern and school and everything was almost too hard to take. Then my friend tried to commit suicide.

Life has not been easy, but I've been trying to make the best of it, trying to figure out where my past, present and future will all align. I think that this new walkabout, and the sun shining outside my window, are two very good signs.

thursday

Thursday was an interesting day as well. Although really, aren't they all? Lara and I ran into each other at Como and went into the shop where all the lights were off this time. She told me that Jen and Jason had a lot of new merchandise coming in the shop that day, so we'd be doing a lot of organizing and hanging and memorizing. We now have a whole rack just for women's jeans in the furniture room. Some of them are pretty cute, and I saw some cigarette pants that I covet.

Before this, Lara asked me to re-arrange some hats on the two hat racks, making the left rack for spring, so that is what the approaching customers would first notice, and the right rack for winter. I think I did a pretty good job and Lara, after she was done wiping down the counters and vacuuming, acknowledged a job well done with a compliment. Then it was back on the ladder, because the '50s circle skirts in the other room were completely unorganized. Some of the other interns had tried, she told me, but she never liked their way of organizing them. So I took the time to place them in color coded order.

When Jen and Jason came in later with two huge bags of goodies, I was sent up and down and all around, with everyone else there to help, to put all the new spring and summer items away. Then I got a pleasant surprise. My boyfriend came to visit me at the shop and proceeded to offer me a lunch of strawberries and sushi. It was a really good ending to a very nice day. Before that, I dusted the jewelry rack and told Lara's friend Wendy, on Lara's request, that she was filing for friendship divorce.

wednesday

Wednesday and Thursday were pretty crazyyyyy! I walked to Mad4Mod from school on Wednesday. It was a lovely experience, because it was such a beautiful day outside, even with all the snow and slush crunching and slipping beneath my feet. When I got to the store Lara was just arriving so we walked in together; it seemed that Jen and Jason had already been in earlier to turn on all the lights and the heat. Even, to both of our joy, the basement lights. It's really creepy having to walk down the dark stairs with a flash light and go into a small room to start the electricity, the only thing keeping you from tripping being the one flash light and common sense.

Lara had forgotten her ipod again and when Jason came in he offered to go pick it up, because the store without music is really odd and hollow. Music always creates happy laughter and a stream of lyrics when there's no words. It helps you tune out to everything else and focus on the task at hand. Quite handy, in my opinion.

Anyway, so I took off my heels and put on my boots to clean the store front window, because there'd been a leak from the apartment above us that had caused the window to get very dirty. I like windexing the counters and the windows, so this was quite a fine job for me to do. I did it twice, because I hate streaky windows. After that, Lara had me take out the ladder and go to three top racks in the store, where we keep our high end dresses, to organize them. I think it's now generally known in the store that i'm good with color coding and organizing. I even developed a system downstairs in the basement somewhat. I'm glad i'm not terrified of heights, but if I had been I know Lara would have taken the task from me.

Blizzard

On Sunday I am ashamed to say that before going into the store I had a minor emotional fit. I was angry at one of my friend's, tired and blue, and I wasn't in the mood to be modeling. But I picked myself up and walked to the store, trudging through the banks of snow, and got there early, confronted with a locked up shop. Jason arrived soon after with his wife Jen and the '50s clothes model Daryn tagging behind him.

Much to my surprise, Jason locked the door behind him, saying there was no need to be open today and get distracted. I had never shot with Jennifer, his wife, before so I was nervous. When I was doing the measurements I also noticed that many of the '70s maxi dresses had been severely shortened to sell better on Ebay, and I found myself wishing I could take a few home. With my ipod playing over the sound system at a loud volume, and Jennifer telling me how cute I looked, we actually had a good time and I forgot about my bad start.

That was actually probably my favorite day at the shop this week, because it was all chill and relaxed and everyone was very encouraging. It also gave me something to do for a few more hours and distracted me from being angry. When I was done with the outfits they offered me a ride home but I declined, preferring to walk by myself the short block home.

next days

Thursday wasn't very difficult either, and a few people still managed to come into the shop despite the awful weather. Lara made cracks that she didn't say that it was okay if it snowed, no one checked with her, and the customers politely laughed before walking away to browse. Julie came in and visited Lara and I as we were sitting drinking some tea, something for the cold I felt brewing. Lara always has some organic tea to help us get through the day.

One thing that was really sad, however, was a woman who came in to look for a pink high necked dress with lace or ruffles, for her mom's burial outfit. I almost started crying, it was just so awful to think about. I don't think I could do something like that without emotionally breaking down, but my mom insisted she wants to be cremated so that wasn't a problem. Perhaps i'm being a bit morbid, but it's hard not to be when you see something like that.

On Friday, the day the snows began to fall heavy, we had a total of two customers come in to the shop. Me and Lara basically spent the whole time cleaning. It started with me sweeping out the back area of my own accord and then tackling the shelves below the display cases that desperately needed to be organized. I'm big on organization and cleaning. After that was done, I swept the store, Lara vaccumed, and we windexed everything in sight. It was looking very clean by the time Jason walked in and announced that I could go home, because the snow was getting awful outside. I thanked him and left, but he said we'd still be shooting on Sunday, and to bring my black heels.

Broken Computer

Haven't been able to log on until just now, with the computer out. This week walkabout was interesting. Me and Lara found out that we had a lot in common with each other. As we listened to the tunes of "Hey Jude" and "Light My Fire" we bonded over similar connections. Even though she is over thirty with a fourteen year old son of her own, we found a lot to laugh over and talk about. We like the same bands and we both had a few crazy stories to share with eachother.

I am also a notorious neat freak, but we'll come to that later. Jason wasn't in the shop for a few days, so me and Lara were basically on our own. I dealt with the customers and the calls quite efficiently, if I do say so myself. There wasn't tons of business what with the '70s Ballet Met party finally being over, but there was another vintage party coming up that many people had apparently been invited to.

One woman came in with some rad 'vintage' pants that she'd bought on Ebay, but me and Lara quickly distinguished they weren't vintage by the Miss Sixty label on the pants. Still, they were awfully cute, curdoroy low waist with 'trippy' designs stenciled on. We helped outfit her and she left the store laughing, ready to drag her husband in next time to outfit him in skintight leather pants; or so she hoped.

Decisions are hard.

This week was really boring, through and through.
I've been thinking a lot about life and the future, what i'm going to do next year.
As Lara and I leaned on the counters, watching people shop who didn't desire our help, she asked me where I was going to go to college next year. Actually, a lot of people have been asking me that, and they're always surprised at my answer, as was Lara and Jason, when he heard. I answered that I'd only applied to Columbus State because I don't know if i'm going to be here next year, which is true, but it's not a family situation or just a random decision that came to me, it's something i've been working up to all year. When she asked where I was going I said either New York or Miami, hopefully, and why, I said to become a model.

Everyone's always really surprised to hear that. Then they cover their skepticism and doubtfulness saying something like, oh, yes you should... etc. Honestly, it's a little terrifying, and I don't know if I'm ready to move away from home, but being ready isn't the issue. I have to take the oppertunity if it comes, and it looks like it's finally coming. Sometimes people ask me if I am just branching off on my own and expecting i'll make it, but i'm not that silly or unplanned. I understand very well that moves like this require a lot of thought and saving. Because of Mad4Mod, school, and working out, there's hardly time to get a well paying job, but i'm still looking in the hopes of finding one good enough. I've opened a savings account at National City and I already have someone i'm supposed to contact after my graduation who wants to manage me and take me to New York, hopefully, if any of his contacts there respond.

Sometimes I get sad thinking about it. I just got into a serious relationship again, right after my last move broke up the one thing I thought was forever, and i'm moving. I just forged the closest friendship i've ever had with a friend that's always been there but never been this close to me, and now I have to leave her behind. It's these thoughts that keep me up at night, close to tears, and hugging the sheets to my chest. I know I can't stay behind in Ohio because i'd regret the decision forever, and you honestly can't become a famous model in Columbus, no matter how much i'd like it. New York is the place in which modeling is a competition and a career- all serious models end up there at least once. I just wish I could bundle up all my friends, and family in a big blanket and take them with me. But I can't.


Decisions, decisions.

Even though the shoot was cancelled, Lara wanted me to come in and help. Actually, she didn't want, she practically begged, and I obliged, of course. She told me I didn't have to stay long, but I ended up staying longer than either of us had intended. It's such a relief to be able to work there and not have to worry about rides or punctuality or traffic. When I came in the shop, we were once again mellow, and Lara predicted that because it was Sunday she really doubted that we'd have that many customers. So, with that in mind, I windexed all of the corners, even moving the items on them to different places so that their whole surface shone. I wasn't counting on a load of customers touching the glass with their grimy fingers and ruining that lovely gleam. Of course, such is the way of a shopkeeper apparently.

After I had windexed the counters a few people wanted my help and opinion on a few pieces, and I even went down into the basement to pick out some cute '70s dresses for a woman also attending the 70s party the upcoming weekend. My day was busy and filled with filling out sales receipts and greeting customers. Then, when I was folding a hot pink polyester autographed racing jacket I looked around and noticed a little girl who was now behind the counter. Her mother, the woman who was searching for the dress, yelled at her daughter and asked if she was bothering me. I said no and smiled, telling the little girl I liked her pink tights with flowers.

That day became my day of babysitting, which I can tell you is hard work in and of itself. I tried to pry Ava away from the other room where we were sitting and playing house, but she wouldn't be persuaded. So I gingerly sat on the floor and let her braid my hair, button the disco jacket she'd dressed me up in, and scold me for wearing shoes in the house. I even hugged an invisible boyfriend and let her take a few pictures with my camera phone, although she did try to figure out how to call the police before I finally got it back. I don't understand why kids sometimes do that, although I do recall that I once did the same thing myself.

At the end of the day the store was a mess and the men's section was a complete disaster. Luckily Lara had guitar lessons and so she said we needn't deal with all the details of cleaning up, because we'd get it the next time we opened. So I have that to look forward to. Before Ava's mother left, after many outfit changes and self doubts and asking our opinion on alot if her choices, she asked for my number in case she ever needed a babysitter. I gave it to her and then leaned against the glass door, thankful that this 70s party was nearly over and the day was most definitely done.

Oh my jesus.
Saturday was definitely a rush.
The store started off at a mellow, perhaps even slow, pace.
Then it picked up, and I was excited, because a lot of people were buying things, and the goal for Saturday is always 1,000 in sales. Lara told me that all it took was one person to buy some furniture and there, alone, was about $400 to $500 in sales. I was a little woozy at this price estimate. As I sipped some of the tea that Lara daily brings in to the shop, hot water courtesy of Corner Stone, I thought how nice this was, and how very very chill.

Oh how wrong I was. At around 1:30 the rush came in, and I was suddenly slammed by an influx of customers wanting my help, my opinion, my hand; the telephone was ringing, and it might have been Jason, so I had to answer that, I was ringing up one customer and there were two more waiting, I just couldn't begin to do it all fast enough. Lara, too, was slammed- she was helping a few people get dressed for the Ballet Met Party next Saturday, which had a 70s theme. I had no idea how very useful being trained in dresses could be. Go go boots and mini dresses? No, ma'am, that's actually 60s- you know, very Austin Powers. If you think 70s think more along the lines of that amazing movie Hair, and those long chic bohemian dresses. Lara jokingly pointed out the exact replica of a 70s dress her mom had worn to her high school senior prom, which fell to the ankles, with a creamy canvas like material and embroidered flowers. Many people merely browsed, getting our hopes up, and all my organizing of earlier that morning was ruined by a few sloppy men.

My highlight of the day though was a british guy with glasses who bought two pillows, and it was funny because Lara guessed he came from Abercrombie. Many people with british accents were abercrombie workers, she told me, in the industry of fashion. Mod is always going to be in fashion, and many designers got their ideas, she told me, from the very clothes we sold at Mad4Mod. So, she giggled as she told me I shouldn't be surprised if I saw a dress or shirt that looked like the one in the shop. I have been looking at Target and discovered this to be unnervingly true.

So, we closed shop around 5:30, and my boyfriend even came to visit me and got two pairs of big glasses that Lara generously gave him a discount on. I'd never been so relieved to turn off the lights and wipe down the counters. Working there does teach a lot, and on Saturday I finally truly got the hang of the confusing adding machine and how to do the tax on an item. Yay for me!

Thursday, took off. Friday I went in, because the store was slammed.
Jeez, so many people looking for so many things, and it is SO EXHAUSTING.
Jason called to tell me the Sunday photo shoot was off, which was a good thing, because I was too tired to have to model 25 outfits. Gah! Still, he asked me to come in because he and his wife Jen were in Cincinatti at a show of antiques and vintage furniture and clothing, although Lara told me that because it was advertised misleadingly, as a 'show' instead of a sale, she was worried about the actual sales that were going to happen. Apparently Jason was supposed to call if someone used a credit card, so that she could use our store's credit card machine, because they didn't have one with them, but he didn't call. She was very upset about it, but she thoughtfully pondered that perhaps everyone just brought a lot of cash with them, or checks. Which is a good point. Or the advertising wrong misled and hurt the store... well, we'll find out Wednesday I guess.

What I learned: don't advertise things in the wrong view, and always be available to help a customer unzip their dress.

Pondering

Walkabout has me thinking alot about my career.
Today's wednesday, yet another day in walkabout.

Last week was pretty chill, just getting introduced to customers and learning a lot more things, and I can tell they're really beginning to rely on me. Jason's a really nice guy and me and Lara like to gossip while we Windex the counter tops.

Back to the point though. Jason was telling me how he never would have considered himself getting into the business of selling vintage clothes. He went to school to be a realtor, and was a boxer for years, a fact which he still brings up with pride. The fact is, he stumbled onto this business, but it's really caught a hold on him. I just hope that I can find something that ignites as much passion in me as this has for him, so obviously.

I find passion in books, organization, writing, etc. There are so many options, so many choices. I know i'll explore careers eventually. Who knows what could happen, or what I could find? I don't see myself as a store owner, like Jason, but maybe a bookshop... who knows? It's just interesting to think about, to ponder when I have the time.

But, for now, it's back to work!

Sunday, sunday...

Lord, Sundays are my least favorite part of working at Mad4Mod. Julie and I are assigned to a number of clothes, usually around 20-25 pieces, and while she photographs I model them. Some of them are positively hideous, and some of them are so tight I have to suck in just to get them on, and we have to take about 10-12 pictures of each piece. This Sunday was particularly difficult, since i'd been fighting with a friend of mine and I was really upset.

Lara and Jason tried to keep Julez and I upbeat, remarking over how cute I looked in this, or how bohemian in that, but I was tired and sad so I only cracked a few smiles. It was the end of the day I was looking forward to in truth. That's the part where me and Julie always pick up our bags and run for Subway. There, we sit and relish in this simple act of enjoyable company and a good meal. The people there are really nice, and they've come to know exactly what I want whenever I come in. It's reassuring and a nice end to a hard day.

As the outfits passed by I did muster up some general enthusiasm for a few- a genuine Valentino wool and velvet dress/coat, which I wanted to grab off the shelves and keep as my own; a Dolce and Gabbana corset inspired top which I got to wear with my favorite jeans; a Caroline Herrera dress from the 80s that all of us laughed at. When the day ended with a genuine Emilio Pucci outfit I was glad to call it a day. Just as we were packing Jason said we had $25 in store credit for doing such a good job, and as the day was windy, and I didn't have a hat, I spotted some very cute white furry ear muffs. With a final goodbye to Lara me and Julie left.

c:

Thursday and Friday were pretty fun as well.
Because I'd almost detected a hint of disappointment at my shaggy, curly hair, hoodie and jeans, I wore black tights, a red and black plaid skirt, and a bright red sweater. Lara immediately complimented my style and showed me a thermos that matched my skirt. We laughed about it for a little bit and then we started to get to work. This time, Lara gave me a crash course test on some of the merchandise- asking me whether I thought it was 40s, 50s, 60s, 70s, or 80s. It was actually alot harder than you might think. Some of the items were what she called 'transition items' like a dress that appeared in the 70s fashion was actually the late 60s, when the trend was just introduced but right before it spread. We had a lot of fun, pointing out dresses, and I got 8/10 right every time. I was introduced to the different types of colors and patterns and I found myself laughing right along with Lara's enthusiasm.

Jason came in, then, and asked me to re-model some clothes for him which hadn't turned out on Julie's sweater. We shot against the brick wall right near our building and I did the standard poses to show off such an outfit. There was also a ridiculous 'sculpture' that I was modeling with as well, and we cracked ourselves up at some of the absurd poses I made with it. It was quite fun, despite the fact that it was cold, and Jason observed that I looked absolutely fabulous in leather jackets, which was quite nice to hear, since I adored some of the leather jackets I modeled in the previous Sunday.

After that I went back into the store, changed into my normal clothes, and started organizing the store as I saw fit. Color coordinating and whatnot, which both Jason and Lara said I was very good at. I noticed Lara rearranging the costume jewelry on the shelves and asked if she needed help. She explained to me her way of organizing things and how even though it looked as though it didn't have an order it really did; silver went to purple, went to blue, went to green broaches, for example. So she led me over to another display case and said I should move around a few things, make sure to hide the price tags so people would ask how much they were selling for. I was given the instructions: make it look fun and interesting but keep it organized. Now, I am a stickler for organizing, so this was a fun job for me, and I found myself hunched over the display case for quite a while, moving everything around and giving the whole cabinet a fresh vibe.

A woman approached me about some help for an opera ball; she desperately needed a dress. Because the upstairs dressing room was taken by a girl a year or so younger than I am who had a solo in her school's performance, I was told to take the woman to our downstairs basement dressing room. While she changed, I organized the racks, and had to help her with her zipper. Also, that awful question all women dread 'Honestly, does this make me look fat?' and the truth. I put it delicately, however, saying that the red dress had looked fantastic but that just didn't flatter her quite as well. She said she appreciated my honesty and asked me to hold the dress for her for a few hours, which I did and she came back a few hours later to purchase one. It was quite succesful. I even rang up a customer and filled our their sales receipt, though the 'adding machine' which looks like a calculator but is quite different, confused me.

It wasn't too bad, and Friday ran much the same, with people asking me about help and what this dress was. I managed to sweep up behind the cash register and the surrounding area, which was so dirty I wanted to cringe. Jason commented that I was like Cinderella, except I was inflicting the chores on myself, and I smiled and kept sweeping. It's true- i'm a neat freak.

Last week was my first week of Walkabout. On the first day Jason set me to organizing the men's section, which required alot of rehanging, buttoning, and color coordinating. When he left Lara took me on a grand tour of the tour, explaining designers and their importance and what to say to customers who were skeptical. It was a very accomplished day. I really liked the designs of Lilli Pulitzer especially, who is known for hiding her first name in all of her garments. We had a good time just laughing and talking, though it was a slow day. We tidied up, windexed counters, and only a few people came in but didn't buy anything. Wednesdays are usually slow, as she explained to me.

It was a really fun time actually, although there was a remark that I didn't look at my most vintage that day, which is understandable since I haven't had money to support my love of vintage in a while. However, as Lara explained to me, I am allowed to wear anything in the store while working. Well, practically anything- no silver tipped fox fur coats, for example. I didn't get too upset about that, and I just nodded and said I understood.


Lara and I discussed Walkabout and my needs, and she said I could come help out on Saturdays if I wanted more hours, as well as coming in on Sundays to model. She was so nice and thoughtful, and watching her in action is so funny. I was given the speech about Mad4Mod loyalty when a woman approached me about modeling and Jason said I was already taken by Mad4Mod. It didn't really bother me at all. All in all, it was quite a good day.

Mid-Year Senior Reflection

1. I have completed all my Walkabout assignments so far. This includes the Walkabout Proposal, the research paper, and the presentation.

2. NA

3. The aspect I am most excited about regarding Walkabout is the chance to experience life without school surroundings. I feel that Walkabout is like a preview of the responisbility and maturity we will have once we embark on our life paths, whether it be after high school or college. This is an opportunity to step away from the inside of a classroom and experience new and different things. I will have to take account for my own actions without a guiding hand to walk me through the undiscovered. That is both an exciting and slightly scary idea.

4. Though I am not venturing into another country as some of my classmates, the vintage store I will be interning at is still quite new territory. Adapting to a new place and learning its routines always involves risks. Some more risks I can think of right off the top of my head are that I have never dealt in retail before, and I have never had to learn the merchandise of a store. My friendliness and cooperation are at all times needed, and also the fact that both the store owners and the customers will be depending on me for assistance and reliability. That, too, is something new that I will have to adjust to- learning to yield to other's needs.

5. I would like the continuing support of my friends and family, of course. I don't doubt that there will be days that I am so bone tired I just want to give up, and this is when I will need them the most. My mother nagging at me to post a blog every once in a while would be a great help in my more ADD moments. Also, I will definitely need the assistance and support from my employers. I will expect them to answer questions patiently, explain things to me if I don't immeditately understand, teach me new things and allow me to expand my knowledge through the different experiences I hope they will provide for me.

6. I think that I have done pretty well in senior seminar this year. I tried my best to listen and understand what my teacher/mentor was trying to teach me every Tuesday. I really think that I was succesful in participating and following directions, for although I am shy I knew that it depended on my grade to occasionally speak up about things. I was on task, and I wasn't late with anything- if I didn't have a printed copy I had an email already sent to Amy. I required no extra time for the proposal or research paper, and I followed the directions as closely as possible. Therefore, it is my opinion that I deserve an Exceeding Expectations in the English aspect of senior seminar.

7. My 1st semester experiential site work wasn't all that I thought it would be, and though it got very hard to cope with much of the time, I still went and did the duties that were assigned to me. Eventually I got into a routine, and gained the trust of my mentors at Flavors of India. Though there were certain demands given to me that I found ridiculous and left me extremelt tired at the end of the day, I worked through it and made no complaints. I know that sometimes life is hard, and you can't just quit when it starts to become that way; that is the reason I stayed for so long, when others remarked over the work given me and the fact that I could switch. It wasn't an altogether horrible experience, although one of the owners talked down to me a lot and didn't acknowledge my growth and knowledge of the store and the way it was handled. I learned the routine of opening, the menu, the cash register, how to make ginger lemonades and how to answer any questions a customer might have. The other workers and one of the owners were very nice and always offered food and rest when I looked tired. I attended senior seminar most every time and was always on task, always ready with questions if I had them, and assignements if they had been assigned. Therefore, I believe that I deserve an EE for both the seminar and the site aspect.

First Post

I am a senior at the graham school and I am ready to begin. Only 15 days away, and my birthday's the same day! On February 6 I will go to Mad4Mod, at 12 or later, as we've already discussed the plans [Jason, the owner, and I]. It is on High Street, in between Como and Longview, and just two blocks from my house. Mad4Mod opens at 12 and closes at 5, and I will be going every Wednesday through Sunday, maybe even staying later and locking up, cleaning the store, etc.

Jason and Lara will teach me how to sell, mend clothing, and I will be arranging furniture, store displays, and clothing on the racks. I will learn how to guide customers and sell quickly and efficiently. I will learn the store inside and out and be able to distinguish different eras of clothing pieces and how to tell whether a piece is authentic or not. I will still continue modeling the clothes on Sundays for Ebay, and if i'm lucky i'll get store credit. I really look forward to Walkabout!