I haven't done so well, eh

Not at all, it would seem. The truth is, for a long time i've been trying so hard to keep my life in balance, but somewhere along the way something happened and the whole thing just fell off kilter. I don't know why or how, but it did, and now here I am trying desperately to regain the balance I lost. Maybe it was around Christmas break that things began spiralling out of control. Maybe it was seeing my first love again, and crying to myself on the plane when I left after I realized that he was not that sweet, thoughtful boy anymore. His gold eyes were hard and strange, and that left me feeling empty and hurt.

Maybe it was coming back to my best friend Julie, the both of us ready to go out, to party, to have fun and be teenagers... and watching as slowly, day by day, bit by bit, her life, her vitality, started dimming as a cloud of depression overtook her. Even as I screamed inside I couldn't make myself call my other friends, arrange to hang out, and I found myself repeating an age old pattern of breaking plans and losing friends over and over again.

Then there was me, locking myself in my room and crying over old letters from old friends, reveling in the heartbreak, thinking about what could have been and all that I gave up. I clung to Julie and she clung to me and we sank deeper with the help of eachother. I gained weight over winter and I hated myself, told myself I couldn't be a model anymore, all my dreams were finally going up in smoke. The Adderall my doctor prescribed so many times to help me focus, concentrate and act on its motivation, numbed me so completely that I felt like I was suffocating in it. Of course, my family couldn't afford to send me to a psychiatrist, what with Alexia hurting her knee again and the fact that our other house just was not selling. I didn't mind, I didn't want any more medication, and so I kept sinking.

I think Spring Break helped me a little bit. The visit to Florida where I spent hours just thinking about life and the future were soothing as long as I didn't have to think too hard about it. I visited my old friends and we cried over a sad letter between two of our friends, ending things in heartbreak, and I found that I could still connect with other people when me and my friend sat on the balcony, talking softly about love and life, the smoke blowing our faces from the chilly ocean breeze. When I got back I faced Julie and told her we had to stop being so sad... so depressed and hurt. It worked, for a few days at least. But I fell into the same pattern and school and everything was almost too hard to take. Then my friend tried to commit suicide.

Life has not been easy, but I've been trying to make the best of it, trying to figure out where my past, present and future will all align. I think that this new walkabout, and the sun shining outside my window, are two very good signs.